Hanees Sabri. 14. Malaysia.
I guess you’re pretty serious about committing suicide if you’re searching for it on the internet. There’s a hell of a lot of information out there but I wanted to tell you ten things you should know before you kill yourself.
First of all, I know you are probably a guy. That’s because 78% of people who take their own lives are male. There are lots of reasons for that, but the main one is that you keep everything bottled up inside you because you’re trying to ‘be there’ for everyone else. You don’t have to you know. Talking about how you’re feeling is the bravest thing a man can ever do. But that’s not why I’m here.
I’m here to tell you what happens next after you decide to end your pain.
One (1) :
The person who finds your body is probably your wife or one of your kids. You will have chosen a method that is violent and the image of your dead body with the noose, the gun or the plastic bag will be forever etched on the mind of that person who finds you. It will be the last thing she sees before she goes to sleep and the first image she sees upon waking. It will flash into her mind at random moments and leave her completely traumatised. She will forever associate colours, smells, shapes, and noises with that moment when her life was fractured into pieces.
Two (2) :
When the police arrive, they will treat your wife as a suspect. Your death will be deemed as ‘suspicious’ and the house will be cordoned off as a crime scene. Ambulances, fire-engines and police cars will line the street. People will crane their necks to see what is going on. Your private decision will become the subject of public speculation. The room where you died will never be able to be used again. There will be stains on the chair, on the carpet, on the walls. Most likely, your family will have to move.
Three (3) :
Your private life will be raked over by the police who will go through your wallet, your phone and your computer looking for someone to blame for your death. All the while, your wife will be unable to eat or sleep and her tears will make her beautiful eyes haunted and lost.
Four (4) :
There will be an autopsy to determine how you died. There will be questions about your relationship, your job, your finances, your health and your drug and alcohol consumption. If you’ve managed to destroy your body in your final act, your wife will have to formally identify you. She will no long remember you as alive and breathing, she will only remember you lying still, battered and violated on the cold slab of a mortuary.
And all the time, the voice in her head will scream “Why?” That voice never stops.
Five (5) :
Your wife won’t be able to work for a long while and the money will run out. It will take months, maybe even years for her to get any sort of payout. And if you haven’t left a will, she will have to prove to the courts that she is entitled to your money. Lawyers will ask if there was another woman, other children, another life. She will have to prove that she was your wife over and over again.
Six (6) :
Your friends and family will find it difficult to believe that you did this without provocation. They will search for someone to blame. And that person will be your wife. They will whisper that she drove you to it. They will find it hard to be around her. She will have to survive this thing on her own.
Seven (7) :
Your wife will blame herself. No matter what the circumstances, she will know that she didn’t love you enough or support you enough to keep you alive. Her sense of failure will overwhelm her. She will relive the last days and hours before your death searching for the moment when she could have made a difference.
Eight (8) :
If they report your death in the papers, the journalist will be deliberately vague. You will join the long list of men who have been “found dead”. They will never print the word suicide, but everyone will know what happened.
Even your wife and children will rarely mention the word suicide when telling your story. They will fabricate a lie to cover their shame and hurt. Saying you died of a heart attack is the usual thing.
Nine (9) :
Your son won’t have you around to teach him how to drive. Your daughter will have no-one to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. Your wife won’t have a safe place to go when her own pain needs soothing. You will miss out on their lives.
Ten (10) :
This pain of losing you doesn’t heal. It eventually gets numbed by the challenge of getting on with life with a part missing, but the thought of you is always just below the surface.
When you take your life, you take the life of your wife, your kids, your parents, your siblings and your friends. There is no choice for them. They have to live with this burden for the rest of their lives. No matter what you’ve done, no matter who you are, no-one will be better off without you.
I’m not here to tell you what to do with your life. It’s up to you. All I want to do is tell you what really happens to those of us left behind.
Sleep on it. Wait until tomorrow. Call someone. Talk.
Stay alive. We need you. We love you more than you’ll ever know.